Everyone enters into a new relationship with preconceived notions on how their relationship should play out.
However, many of these ideals are myths and this only becomes clear when you are already in a raging storm. It would be better to go into a relationship having already busted common myths, so that you are not caught by surprise. Here are some common myths and the truth you should know:
Your relationship is affair-proof:
The possibility of one partner having an affair perpetually hangs over all relationships. This is according to Ashley Bush, the author of Transcending Loss. She notes that while it might be unintentional, a spouse may be pushed to seek intimacy outside the relationship. This could either be a physical or emotional affair.
Love is enough:
According to Dr John Gottman, the author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, feelings aren’t enough to fuel a relationship. “In most cases, couples will stop courting one another or doing the things they used to do together when they first met,” he says.
Additionally, according to Abby Rodman, the author of Without This Ring: A Woman’s Guide to Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce, love will not always heal everything. “It can play a key role in healing wounds from one’s past, but it can’t solve an individual’s problems. Further, one partner could tap into the healing wounds using this love to draw out either healthy or unhealthy emotional responses from the other partner,” she says.
Partners should contribute 50/50:
Many people get into relationship as an equal partnership where stakes are balanced 50:50. However, according to family therapist and author of The Marriage Dance, Philip Kitoto, doing your share in the relationship and waiting for your partner to do his or measuring whether your partner is honouring his half of the bargain will only end up sabotaging your bond.
“You will discover that your partner doesn’t measure up, especially because you are making unrealistic expectations of each other based on your own strengths rather than his,” he says. His sentiments are echoed by Linda Bloom the co-author of Secrets of Great Marriages who observes that the 50/50 basis is a transactional gauge that should be relegated to a lower level of significance at the onset of a relationship.
Wedding night sets the tone for future intimacy:
Many couples often look forward to the wedding night during which they expect to have mind-blowing sex. However, it doesn’t always turn out that way.
Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, whether the sex on your wedding night is good or bad, it doesn’t set the tone for intimacy for the rest of the time you are with your partner. According to Susan Gacheru, a family therapist based in Nakuru, this means that you shouldn’t be too anxious about how your wedding night turns out.
“That a stable and good relationship guarantees daily, pleasurable sex is a myth. There’s more to physical intimacy than just sex,” she says. “Your focus should be on your attitude towards long-term physical intimacy and your willingness to improve your sex life continually.”
Conflicts can be solved once and for all:
While you may believe that you can solve and end all conflicts in your relationship, Dr Gottman observes that this belief is far-fetched.
Apparently, according to research on conflict in relationships conducted by the Gottman Institute, 69 per cent of relationship conflicts are never fully solved and instead tend to recur throughout the relationship’s lifetime.